By Jamie Flam
salsas by my side, perhaps a bottle of Tapatio on hand, and a shitload of limes to squeeze into every last bite. It's bliss, cubed. Now, other die-hard burrito lovers might be asking themselves why I say "medium-sized" burrito. Well, the answer is simple.
I have the same passion for a settled stomach as I do for delicious burritos, and that requires a certain degree of moderation. Especially when you throw chips and salsa and beverages into the mix, which is almost always the case. "Why not just get the big burrito
and stop eating when you are full?" you may be wondering. Well, it's physically impossible to throw away a perfectly good burrito, no matter how full you are. Try it. Impossible. I tried it once and a force not unlike kryptonite repelled my burrito-laden hand from the garbage can. It was incredible!
Now, I suppose one could just save the uneaten portion of a burrito for another time, but I don't know a man or woman alive who has the will power to hold back from devouring the burrito within minutes of storing it in a refrigerator or storage space. And I know a lot of people.
So the question remains: How does one go about ordering a medium-sized burrito? Here are some tips:
1. If the counter person speaks English, I suggest saying something like, "Can you make it medium sized, por favor?" Por Favor means "please" in Spanish. Even though they speak English, they will appreciate that you are speaking the language spoken in the countries in which burritos first developed (see the Internet for more information on the history of the burrito), and are more likely to accommodate your request.
2. If the counter person speaks something other than English, say for example, Spanish, then you are getting a huge burrito whether you like it or not. Which is a future stomach raping disguised as a blessing. Be prepared. And don't speak Spanish. It will not help your cause in this situation.
3. Try to get a job making burritos at a taqueria you enjoy. When you are hungry and have a designated break time, make yourself a medium-sized burrito.
4. If you are in a living situation that includes a kitchen, using your favorite ingredients, make yourself a medium-sized burrito.
Easy enough. But where does one to go to get one of these delicious burritos, if they don't have these skills? Well, when I am looking for a dynamite and / or fantastic burrito to consume, I look no further than the Mission. The Mission is a small, untapped artistic community nestled deep in the heart of San Francisco where, in addition to buying delicious burritos, you can also find colorful Pumas and ’60s kitsch bar stool
set-ups (which are the serious hotness these days) at bowl-hair cut-boy and boot-wearing-with-newsiehat- wearing-girl staffed boutiques located in storefronts
situated in key locations along the Mission's cruising boulevards.
Perhaps you could eat a burrito on one of the aforementioned kitsch bar stool set-ups while sipping martinis from kitschy martini glasses bought at the same store. I'd certainly like to find out, with a delicious burrito that is. Preferably from Taqueria Cancun, where the fillings are fresh, the avocado salsa will set your mouth on fire, and where I once bore witness to a knife fight. It was crazy and scary and exhilarating and rad, in that order, and then back again. I like to think this incident shaped my current burrito addiction, making every burrito I eat an experience that brings back repressed emotions from that night that
lend to a sense of machismo.
If you are looking for a taqueria with no recorded knife fights, at least not in my experience, I recommend taking a BART trip to Oakland's Rockridge district.
Right across from the station you will find Cactus Taqueria. Their extremely fresh California-style burritos get a bad wrap (zing!) from burrito purists who prefer the greasy authentic offerings at dirtier locales. But whether you like their burritos or not is of no consequence, as it is their salsa bar that deserves the accolades. It is gorgeous. Five to six varieties of salsa, peppers, cabbage salad, lemons and limes that glisten under the frequently cleaned sneeze guard…it's as good and beautiful of a salsa bar as I've ever seen. And the only shankings that take place there are the prices. So treat yourself right. Go to Cancun, Cactus, or masturbate when your roommates can't hear you.
Next time: The soul of chips and salsa