Z-Man and Me

Crunk.

Ps: in case you're wondering, I'm the dude in the picture who looks least like a backpacker rap nerd and most like a drunk ass emo dude from Willows.

The Lunar Eclipse Gave Me a War Hell Ride

So I was sitting at my desk just now and I started to feel all weird and crazy; like my jaw fucking felt all crazy and I felt like there was a rodent inside my brain. So I walked down the street to the hippie communist natural food store and tried to buy some shit, but my ATM card wouldn't work and neither would my credit card. I felt like there was some serious holodeck action: like the aliens kidnapped me and put me in their pain chamber just to see what I did in situations and study me like a rat in the maze. But then I looked outside and saw that there was a full lunar eclipse. Now shit makes sense. I mean people don't really give the moon credit anymore, but the moon can fuck your shit up when it wants to. The moon is not to be fucked with at all or else you will be sorry.

On the upside though, I got to sit and watch the celestial bodies move while listening to the new ...And You Will Know Us By The Trail of the Dead album (no I can't burn that shit for you, but just find some nerdy fucker to find it on the internet) which is fucking epic. Blood moon and some medieval spock rock shit go well together. Now I want to go out and slay some fucking demons or fuck some shit up in general. But the only shit really going on tonight is a Z-Man show which is pretty crunk but not really for a full lunar eclipse but whatever. I'm sure my dreams will be a vulgarity filled hellride tonight.

Fuckabees

So i went and saw I Love Huckabees last night and it was alright I guess. But I'm getting really fucking sick of movies these days that try to take really complicated concepts and package them for mainstream audiences to understand. I mean, you know somewhere that some really smart fucker who sat there all day reading Spinoza and fucking Heidegger wrote some screen play that melded his love for existenstial philosophy and Spike Jonze-ish cinematic camp into what he thought was the perfect amalgamation. But by the time it got through the director and the producer and the rewrites and the studios, they had taken out all the shit that actually meant anything and left just enough intelli-chatter in there to make gay ass Jason Schwartzman into some emo spock film icon and make Dustin Hoffman feel like hes doing something cooler than Wag the Dog or whatever. But the worst part about it all is that all these kids who are going to see movies like this and Being John Malkovich or whatever are getting this My First Philosophy Book education on shit then going home and feeling all dark and knowlegable and going to the coffee shop to drink a fucking latte and just reveling in their newfound knowledge of the unseen world. What happened to when movies were just about stupid shit that idiots fuckers could handle, instead of all this new smart shit? Smart is the new dumb I guess.

Don't Vote Its Not Worth It

Even though it’s not until next week, election day fever is most certainly upon us, and—especially for the younger generation — pressure is mounting on all sides to do things like “Rock the Vote!” and “Let Your Choice be Your Voice,” and all other sorts of catchy slogans. But to me, voting is a lot like going to church: it doesn’t mean shit, because no one actually means any of the things they say. I mean you hear all these people on both sides giving all sorts of impassioned pleas to vote for their candidate of choice, and they state their opinions with such conviction and fortitude! But no one actually means any of it. The dudes who hoot and holler about “family values” and “preserving the sanctity of marriage” are the dudes banging their secretaries in the copy room afterhours; the dudes going on about “social justice” and “equality” are the same people who call the cops when a black dude is walking around their neighborhood. Just look at the candidates. John Kerry, the supposed champion of liberalism, is a Catholic, which is fine but I’m sorry man, you can’t have it both ways. You can’t claim to be all about a “women’s choice” and gay marriage and what not and still claim membership in a religion that vehemently and dogmatically stands opposed to both. And there’s our friend George, who raps about letting America decide what’s best for America, then auctions off any and all policy decisions to worldwide corporations, and runs on the ticket of the GOP— the state’s rights, small-government ticket—but wants to constitutionally override the state’s power to decide their own marriage laws. But then you get to Ralph Nader, the supposed REAL choice, the knight in shining armor here to conquer the two-party system, a guy who so wrapped up in narcissism that he accepts Republican funding to get him on ballots in states where he is sure to help Democrats lose. Way to forge a new path in the corrupt world of politics Ralph! And its not like Ralph Nader is any different than anybody else. He still probably buys his fucking toilet paper at Wal-Mart and his car still runs on gas. He just looks a little bit stupider than the rest and has that underdog appeal that the kids like so much these days. And what the fuck would he do if he were elected president anyway? Fire every Senator, Congressman and Supreme Court justice and start over with his stable of dorm kids and trust fund hippies running shit? I mean Ralph of all people can probably tell you, that when you vote for president, you’re only really voting for who they’ll name boats and libraries after in 30 or 40 years. The president is the distraction to keep you from looking behind the curtain and seeing how little choice or voice we, the regular piece of shit people of this country actually have. I guess if you get bored on November 2nd, you should make your way to some polling place and vote for John Kerry, if for no other reason than at least we won’t have to listen to four more years of shitty speeches and the English language being butchered.

Rich people are still dumb fucks

So part of my job that sucks is that, from time to time, I have to go to some rich fucker's house and write about how wonderful it is, and take pictures showing how satisfying opulence can be. Granted, this doesn't exactly sound like Chinese Water Torture, the thing with the rich fuckers around here is that they have money, but fucking absolutely ZERO taste, class or creativity. But the worst part about it all is these people having literally millions of dollars at their disposal and obviously spend it without giving a fuck, but almost every single one of them, SHOP AT FUCKING COSTCO. And I don't even mean they buy good shit in bulk, I mean they buy the Costco brand shit. I mean you're in this guy's fucking $200,000 granite and marble bathroom, with the pearl inlaid fucking tile and the four-man swinger party shower, and the dude's got Kirkland shampoo in the big fucking dispensers. And then you go to the kitchen, with the $6000 Sub Zero fridge and all the fucking bullshit, and the dudes got the generic Vodka chilling in his bar. Seriously what the fuck are these people's fucking problem. I live in a fucking shithole and I fucking don't have shit, but at least I fucking eat good shit, and drink the fucking good vodka and don't fuck myself over with ACME brand fucking personal hygiene products. What's the point of being rich if you don't even have the taste to get yourself the good shit. Might as well give that shit to me and let me spend it fuckfaces.

I Smoked Weed out of Aluminum Cans

I'm scared of some crazy shit, but not even the things I ought to be scared of; I fear things that aren't even really possible, or are have such a neglible effect on anything that they don't even factor into shit. Drunk driving 100 MPH on the backroads of Willows with no seat belt on in my piece of shit car, I feel no fear save that of my youthful misdeeds coming back to haunt me. See I used to smoked weed out of cans. Being a kid of respectable upbringing, keeping a pipe around was needless to say, out of the question. But kids need to get stoned. So you improvise, and aluminum cans seemed to work a lot better than apples or any of that hippie shit. But someone one time told me that smoking aluminum gives you alzheimers. So now evenytime I forget about anything, I feel my brain turning into swiss cheese and see myself rendered helpless in some care home, all thanks to smoking shittry mex out of Dr. Pepper cans.

But thats not even the worst part. This kind of shit fills each day. Like I read somewhere that Soy milk has estrogen in it. So now with each cup of coffee I drink, I feel my manly potency decrease, my tits begin to enlarge. Everytime I eat a piece of sushi I feel the mercury surge through my body and take up residence in my brain, slowly rotting my neurons. Each bite of chicken is a dose of antibiotics into my nut sack, rendering my seed fruitless, ensuring that I shall create no increase. It;s like my life has turned into a radiohead song, only without any cool keyboards.

I Used to be a Fat Fucker

I was pretty much always a fat fucker, then one day I fucking freaked out and lost about 60 pounds in a month. It was a war hell ride. But now that I'm liberated from the bondage of fatness, I have a unique perspective on the issue of obesity. Being a fat piece of shit isn't even all that bad. I still got to wreck hot gash; I was probably better at football than I would've been had I been some emo; and no one really ever fronted on me about shit, or at least any more than they would some normal dude. But being a fat fucker, you just kind of feel like shit no matter what. Its like a permanent state of existential angst, like you're breaking a cardinal rule of living. Granted, some people are meant to be fat...it's in their genetics. But people in general are fat because the world is fucking stupid and they're helpless against it. Having transcended the fat life (for the time being) you tend to not feel the empathy that the world at large feels for fat fuckers; you know that its not even all that bad, and moreover, that its not even that hard to change it up. Fat people just need to shut the fuck up and deal with it. If its that big of deal we should make being fat against the law and put people in fat jail. Or suck the fat out of their asses and feed it to the starving children of northern Africa. Obesity is the single most worthless issue facing modern society. Fools should just smoke some fucking meth and get on the treadmill.

LIfe Sucks Die

Probably the most profound tragedy in life comes when you realize that your parents - who are more or less biologically and metaphysically responsible for your entire being - are just regular douche bags like everyone else. Being young, you have this idea that your parents are special: that your mom's pancakes are better than ANYBODYS, and that your dad could whip the piss out of Johnny's Dad. Moreover, you have the feeling that, by virtue of being born to your specific parents, that you somehow have a superior edge on the competition; that your birthright is a supreme advantage in the contest of life. BUt eventually you grow up and start to figure out that your parents, even if they aren't even that bad, are actually horribly drab, mundane people caught up in the same bullshit as every other piece of shit walking on two or four legs. Initially you feel a certain feeling of reverse-paternal sorrow for them and their situation. BUt oh how you will transcend the limitations of your paren't shallow existence and become the Ubermensch of legend! HOw your life will be a shining example to all those stuck in the ruts of monotony, the shallow grave of mediocre living! But then you find yourself running counter to your presupposed path of enlightenement. You find yourself shopping around for who has the cheaper gas. You find yourself debating whether you should buy the black shoes or the brown shoes. You find yourself caring about sporting contests. You find that you don't have the guts to excel at anything more than living out the nightmarish grind of day-to-day bullshit. You find that you have been stricken with the disease of birth, a fatal affliction that has no cure only a strcit daily regimen of stomach turning activities to make sure you get something done before you die.

I used to think that having kids would be some sort of salvation from meaninglessness, that somehow it would forge a shining new meaning onto life, with the altogether narcissistic twist that my children would somehow be better qualified from life by virtue of having sprung from my loins. NOw I know that that's just bullshit that I'm just some stupid fucker like everybody else, like my own parents, and if I have kids that they will probably be just as dumb as every other shithead and will probably be fucking assholes when they grow up and pissed off ab out life because their dad was some jerk who wrote all kinds of bullshit on gay ass blogs online about half-assed coffee shop existentialism instead of actually doing anything worthwhile.