The All Time Lows

I just joined Netflix the other day (possibly the greatest invention of all time) and my first movie was The Third Man, a thriller about corruption in post-war Vienna. If you haven't seen this movie, I highly suggest it. The camera angles are classic, film-noir style, looking at times more like photographs than moving images. The music in the movie is played on a zither, which gives it this crazy, bizarre carnival feel. I can't talk too much about Orson Welle's character without giving too much away, but he's a bad-ass in it. It's a shame that he turned into such a bloated, bitter old-man. There's also a scene with a chick dancing around wearing nothing but pasties, and you can't go wrong with that!

So, just a few days after my post about Mike Krukow's homerotic color commentary, Kruk's dad passed away and now I feel horrible. Here's the report from MLB.com:
 
Sad day: Veteran Giants announcer Mike Krukow's father, Max, passed away Friday night at age 79 in San Luis Obispo, Calif. The younger Krukow drove to Southern California on Thursday rather than travel to St. Louis for the series.

After I posted the homoerotic Kruk post, we got a few searches for "Mike Krukow" and I'm convinced that his dad was one of them, had a heart attack and died.

While I'm definitely not in the habit of promoting FOX News, tonight's O'Reilly factor should be off the hook. Fair and Balanced Bill's guest is Michael Moore, which should make for some interesting television. Though I imagine Bill's face will turn red as he screams, "Shut up! Shut up!" (though he claims he's never told a guest to shut up) and says, "You've got to play by the rules! You've got to play by the rules!", Moore should be able to get in a few points. Watching Bill get pissed off is a lot better than when he's smarmy, looking down his nose and smiling at his liberal guests.
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,96207,00.html

In what may be the most outrageous move by the republicans  in congress yet, they recently moved to disallow citizens to take their grievances to federal court.

"The bill, approved on a vote of 233 to 194, effectively bars the U.S. Supreme Court and other federal courts from overturning the 1996 Defense of Marriage Act, which said states need not recognize a same-sex marriage entered into in another state."

The republicans did this to prevent the federal courts, and mainly the Supreme Court, from hearing cases regarding the legality of same sex marriages. The Supreme Court decides Constitutionality of laws, so republicans must realize that their attacks on equal rights for gay citizens stand on shaky ground since they don't want our high court to decide the case for the states. Didn't we already have this fight over states' rights 140 years ago? Of course, the Supreme Court hasn't been a bastion of Constitutional democracy in quite awhile.

Even Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, a conservative, said that the congress is getting out of line.

A few years back, I wrote a review of one of the worst CDs I had ever heard, Beautiful by Garbage. Nothing came of it until last year when my friends at the Synthesis received a letter regarding my review, which was, and still is, posted on their Web site. They sent me the letter and I responded, but I never heard back from the woman. Here it is, starting with the review, then her letter to the Synthesis, then my response. I'm still waiting, Joyce.
 
My Review:
Garbage
Beautiful
Interscope RecordsDec '01

Every now and then an album comes along that is so fantastically awful it is almost impossible to believe that a record company agreed to fuel its shit-smelling fire with millions of dollars in recording, production and marketing. Beautiful is just such an album. Containing possibly the worst single of the young century, "Androgyny," the album meanders through 53 minutes of utter terribleness. It contains such lyrical gems as: boys in the girls room / girls in the men's room / you free your mind in your androgyny. It sounds like a Ginger Spice solo album gone horribly wrong. It wanders through hip-hop ("Shut Your Mouth"), retro-'50s syrupy pop ("Can't Cry These Tears"), roadhouse blues ("Silence is Golden") and God the fuck knows what ("Cherry Lips (Go Baby Go!)). I have officially fallen out of love with Shirley Manson - and Butch Vig. Every song is absolutely shocking.- Brian Brophy
 
Joyce's Outrage:
-----Original Message-----From: Joyce Lander [mailto:landerpiano@charter.net]
Sent: Monday, July 07, 2003 4:54 PM
To: @synthesis.net
Subject: Regarding Brian Brophy
 
Hello. I was just reading the album review of Garbage's latest record, 'BeautifulGarbage,' and i realized that Brian Brophy really has a way with words. Hiscreative anecdotes are what I am attempting to bring to attention. BrianBrophy obviously can write reviews, but his bullshit article is the epitomeof crap, and i hope he realized that he can neither understand good music,nor comprehend pure genius, even if it crawled directly in front of his, andpunched him in the face. Beautiful Garbage not only has creative aspects,but was the first album that allowed Shirley Manson to fully open herself upand let the despairing anthem of her hardships pour into the ears of theworld. She deserves to be praised, not insulted with a mess of ill-begottenwords flung from the mouth of a man who couldn't even match up to Garbage if he tried. I hope his insolence is one day cured, or that he falls into agiant hole, and never is heard by mankind again.
 
My Response:
Joyce,Thank you for the delightful e-mail. It really has made my day. In fact, I have forwarded it to a number of friends and associates and it is really making their day too. I'm sorry that we don't see eye to eye on the merits of Garbage's album Beautiful. I would hope that you appreciate the fact that I didn't go for the obvious pun in my review. I can understand a difference of opinion, but come on now, genius? I mean Einstein was a genius, Leonardo da Vinci was a genius, Miles Davis was a genius, Stephen Hawking is a genius. Shirley Manson is a talented frontwoman in a decent pop band, but unless she cures cancer or creates an album that will go down as one of the greatest in history let's refrain from hyperbole. I don't that she would consider herself a genius. Also, for future reference, the words were not "flung from" my "mouth" as it was a written review. Out of curiosity, what kind of a hole is it that you would like me to fall into? Are you wishing death upon me, or just a hole that is far enough down where I might break some bones, but survive. Or is it like the hole in the rain forest in South America like in that movie Arachnophobia? Could I use a parachute? I think I do understand good music and apparently so do the people who pay me money to write about it, but perhaps we're all mistaken. How would I go about trying to match up to Garbage, would that be in some sort of arm wrestling competition, or perhaps a potato sack race? Also, I love this: "his bullshit article is the epitomeof crap." Now that is pure genius, and it didn't even have to "punch me in the face" for me to recognize it. Please keep in touch.
 
Hope you have a great day,
Brian Brophy

+ =
 
In a stunning victory for ugly, obnoxious white guys who talk really fast, Quentin Tarantino has somehow managed to score Sofia Coppola. After her break-up with the somewhat introspective Spike Jonze, she must have hit her head on something hard. The couple share the same publicist, Bumble Ward, who confirmed reports of a romance.
Let's hope they get together and make a movie with no plot where everyone gets killed. I like both of them as directors, but it's almost like Sam Peckinpah getting together with whoever directed Beaches. Or something.

Michael Wilson, who clearly does not seem up to the task of filmmaking, is working on a film called Michael Moore Hates America. This is unfortunately sure to get tons of press. I imagine Fox News will have round the clock coverage of the premier. Wilson was inteviewed by Samantha Bee on the Daily Show last week. He seemed like he had no idea what he was doing. He in his crew walked around Manhattan like morons trying to find Michael Moore. Turns out this movie was financed by some guy that got rich in the porn industry. Got to love those family values republicans. Here's a blog dedicated to debunking Wilson:
http://michaelwilsonhatesfilmmaking.blogspot.com/

I love me some San Francisco Giants. I love the ballpark, but when I can't make it out there, I watch most of the Giants games on TV. Due to some system I can't understand, most games feature Duane Kuiper on play-by-play, but some feature Jon Miller. Both are great announcers. They are joined by former Giant pitcher Mike Krukow, who adds color commentary and is also very good, if a little goofy. I like the Giants announcers, but my roommate makes fun of them all the time, but she's an A's fan, so she's just naturally bitter.
One thing I can agree with her on is the homoerotic nature of Krukow's commentary. And it's only getting more ridiculous as time goes by. One of his favorite comments is "grab some pine meat." I have no idea what this could possibly mean in baseball terms, but hey, it's only one phrase. This year he's added, "boy, he really nutted that one!" And yesterday when Ray "From Across the Bay" Durham hit a ball a mile into right field, just foul, Krukow said about the pitcher, "Wow, he really put that one into his happy zone!" So Ray Durham grabbed some pine meat, got one in his happy zone and nutted it right into the crowd. I hope they brought towels.

Hello, fellow Americans. For those of you not familiar with me, I am vice presidential candidate John Edwards and I am incredibly handsome. As the junior senator from North Carolina, I have fought hard to make North Carolina the most handsome state in the nation, increasing our handsomeness quotient by over 14.37%, surpassed only by the handsome people of Georgia, Rhode Island and South Dakota. I believe in a strong, handsome economy, which doesn't leave behind handsome blue collar workers, as I come from working class roots myself. I believe that all handsome people should have access to affordable healthcare regardless of socioeconomic status. I support our handsome troops overseas and would like them to return every bit as handsome as they left. I am a strong supporter of the environment and promise to keep our national parks and forests handsome for generations to come. I, unlike my most unhandsome counterpart, vice president Dick Cheney, believe that America is made stronger by handsome, hard-working immigrants from around the globe. I'm John Edwards; I was the first member of my handsome family to attend college; I was a successful, handsome trial lawyer; I have been a handsome senator and I promise to you, my fellow Americans, that I will be the most handsome vice president our country has ever seen. Thank you.

Check out Rock Paper Saddam. It is hi-larious and combines my two favorite things: Rock Paper Scissors and Saddam Hussein! Click on the picture for the whole series.

Judge: ONE PAPER!
Saddam: TIGER HAND! RAWR!!!!! RAWRR! rar. Hahaaa, hi. Tiger Hand. Come on! You Know! ... You don't know Tiger Hand?
Tiger Hand beats paper. Like totally beats paper. Always