Review: Garden State Sucks a Male Camel's Dick
I'd caught the trailer for Garden State and it looked pretty good, like a dark comedy with nice cinematography, and I'd been looking forward to seeing it. Last night, my girlfriend and I decided that since we are adults, we can go see a movie on a weeknight with a moment's notice (yes, we are wild and crazy like that). So we head out to West Portal to catch Garden State.
Every moment that I watched this film, I felt a little piece of my soul being sucked out, never to return again. It tried to be deep, but dissolved heavily into cliche, with no plot, which is okay, I liked Lost in Translation, but unlike that movie the themes just fell flat. I hated all the characters (except Peter Sarsgaard's character, but that guys such a good actor it's insane). Writer/director/star Zach Braff played a twentysomething, depressed, overmedicated guy named Larch (the amount of prescription medicine he's on is so fucking ridiculous it's annoying) whose Mom dies, so he returns home to New Jersey (which really could be Anywhere USA, making the film's title pretty weak) from California where he's trying to become an actor.
There he meets one of the most annoying characters in cinematic history, Sam, played by Natalie Portman. Sam's age is never very clear. She talks with an inflection where everything she says sounds like a question, as really annoying 16-year-old girls tend to do, but then they show her at a bar and hooking up with Zach Braff, who looks like he could be 30.
The whole premise is ridiculous. Braff's character goes through a transformation with no real impetus, except for meeting this annoying bitch who should be on some of the medication that he's decided to quit.
I couldn't sit still in the theatre. It pissed me off so bad that I paid $9.50 to be tortured for two hours.
i haven't seen this yet, but you pretty much confirmed what i suspected. what i got from the trailer was that it was on this "look at how cute and existential and 20-something we are!" nonsense.
nahmean
Posted by Big Nurse | 1:52 PM
Congratulations, you are Google's #1 hit for "Garden State" sucks. That's how I found your blog. This film sucks pretty badly. It's a serious candidate to my most hated film. Will be back. Cheers
Posted by Daniel D.L. | 4:09 AM
totally agree - unbelievable piece of self promoting dung. what in the hell is going on here? do millions of people not have eyes, ears or brains?? i know for a fact pieces of real souls were sucked out making this shitball.
Posted by Anonymous | 12:54 PM
OH MY GOD I HATE GARDEN STATE SO MUCH.
Thank God for you, and your #1 place in the Google search for "Garden State sucks"
Fuck Garden State, and fuck all those idiots who think it's brilliant. I wish they knew what brilliant film really was, but by the time they think that Sam from Garden State is the epitome of the "interesting female character," they are lost.
Posted by neil | 5:34 PM
Uh, although, it was genius of Zach Barf to make a movie for the sole purpose of making out with Natalie Portman. But it was terrible that I had to pay money to see that piece of shit.
Posted by neil | 5:35 PM
this is so right on. never has a movie made me more angry than garden state did. what a pile of dogshit.
Posted by rich | 2:55 PM
Oh My God. I am so glad I found that their are people in this world who really see Garden State for what is: The absolute worst film ever made. I cannot say how happy I am to know that people found this film insulting. What the hell are people thinking who like this film?
I'll write more just to justify the horrible 2 hours I spent watching the DVD.
Posted by Rileytucker | 5:26 PM
I typed in "Garden State sucks" to see if I am the only thinking human being on the face of the earth.
This is a TERRIBLE MOVIE AND I CANT BELIEVE EVERYONE WANTS TO LICK ZACH BRAFF'S ASSHOLE OVER IT!
It is seriously such a piece of garbage. Not just overrated: it's indefensibly BAD.
The only part I liked of the whole thing, no exaggeration, is that the girl goes to her backyard, and there's a huge hamster cemetary. That's it.
This was such a cliched, sophomoric, uninspired, INSULTINGLY childish, predictable, boring piece of shit. No depth. I could have cranked out something more genuine, meaningful, and entertaining than this in an hour in 6th grade.
-K.A.
Posted by Banjo Time | 7:31 PM