Deth to Parrotheads!

Allow me to be an asshole for a minute. I'd like to think I am open minded about a lot of things, but there are only two types of music that I can't stomach; There's smooth jazz, that vacant and overproduced and manufactured sounding "jazz" that makes you fit to kill. You know - stupid overprocessed electronic pianos and drums that are supposedly being played by human beings, but have been mastered to the point where they are lifeless and sprinkled with precious solos that go along a predictable ass scale. Smooth jazz is the music they play in grocery stores that drive many people to shoplift. I know that at age 7, if it weren't for Kenny G's nasally soprano sax digging in my ear drums at that Toys R' Us in Visalia, CA, I would have never walked out with that Incredible Hulk coloring book. That's what you get, smooth jazz fuckers.

The other kind of music I can't deal with: Rich-Guy Rock. This topic has been coming up a lot recently in conversations which was sparked off when my friend Ian came over, got on Limewire and thought it would be funny to play Genesis just to get a rise out of me. I wanted to slit my throat. Phil Collins, you sir do not rock.

What is Rich-Guy Rock you ask? As a friend of mine puts it, just picture the kind of music a CEO would be blasting on his high-end sound system in his Porsche on the way to his summer mansion. Think Jimmy Buffett and oh god, The Eagles. I hate The Eagles. HATE! I think they are one of the most boring and overrated bands in rock history. I have really tried to give them a chance but then I would be at the bar and Hotel California would come on the jukebox and I'd still want to kill myself. If it doesn't sound good even when I'm tanked and my judgement is seriously impaired, then I have news for you - It's sucks. The Eagles are different kind of rich-guy rock enemy though because they have spawned the solo rich-guy rock careers of Glenn Frey (The Heat is On!) and Joe Walsh, further saturating the already scary rich-guy rock market.

My Top 5 Most Offensive Rich-Guy Jawns:

1) Joe Walsh - "Life's Been Good"
This is the classic RGR jam right here. Just check out these mindblowing lyrics:

My Masarati does one-eighty-five.
I lost my license, now I don't drive.
I have a limo, ride in the back.
I lock the doors in case I'm attacked

2) Phil Collins - "Susudio"
Phil, please tell me what the fuck Susudio means.
3) America - "You Can Do Magic"
first of all, worst band name ever. secondly, you all look like you need to get back to the office PRONTO for Casual Friday to show off your threads:



4) The Eagles - "Hotel California"
Alls I have to say is she got the Mercedes benz
She got a lot of pretty, pretty boys, that she calls friends
How they dance in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat.
Some dance to remember, some dance to forget
So I called up the Captain,
'Please bring me my wine'
He said,'We haven't had that spirit here since nineteen sixty nine'
5) Jimmy Buffett - Margaritaville
Nothing like nibblin' on some spongecake while watching the sun bake.

Note: There is no Steely Dan because they are a special exception of RGR that isn't offensive.


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UPDATE:

It seems that now I have some fundamentalist Parrotheads praying that I get hit by a freight train here. Violent parrotheads are mind boggling. I thought that drinking out of coconuts was supposed to mellow you out and shit.

So I poke around on that Buffett messageboard and lo and behold, there's sections for fans to post their favorite sailing and resort experiences. How can you tell me this ain't rich-guy rock?