The All Time Lows

Hello, fellow Americans. For those of you not familiar with me, I am vice presidential candidate John Edwards and I am incredibly handsome. As the junior senator from North Carolina, I have fought hard to make North Carolina the most handsome state in the nation, increasing our handsomeness quotient by over 14.37%, surpassed only by the handsome people of Georgia, Rhode Island and South Dakota. I believe in a strong, handsome economy, which doesn't leave behind handsome blue collar workers, as I come from working class roots myself. I believe that all handsome people should have access to affordable healthcare regardless of socioeconomic status. I support our handsome troops overseas and would like them to return every bit as handsome as they left. I am a strong supporter of the environment and promise to keep our national parks and forests handsome for generations to come. I, unlike my most unhandsome counterpart, vice president Dick Cheney, believe that America is made stronger by handsome, hard-working immigrants from around the globe. I'm John Edwards; I was the first member of my handsome family to attend college; I was a successful, handsome trial lawyer; I have been a handsome senator and I promise to you, my fellow Americans, that I will be the most handsome vice president our country has ever seen. Thank you.