Mesh Magazine

Alright, I saw this on Pitchfork today, but this is weird enough to repost. Sally Forth gave a shout out to Trail of Dead the other day. I think this is weirder than the answer to a Jeopardy question (or, I guess, the question to a Jeopardy answer) being “Bikini Kill” a few years ago.

Thinking every chap is selling bits of chocolate!

From the BBC’s Rush Hour via Trantastic. Was I the last one on the planet to see this?

Go swimming with Lorenzo!

This originally appeared in the January 2006 issue of Mesh Magazine.

My original plan for this issue was to write a Year In Review-style piece, detailing all the amazing shit that happened to me in 2005. But then I realized that I’ve spent the majority of this year looking at 15-year-old girls in their underwear on Myspace, perfecting my swept-bangs combover and looking for track jackets at the Salvation Army so I can act like I paid $80 for them at Urban Outfitters. A nutshell without a nut indeed. But I am still young! Why look to the past when there is such an infinite, limitless future laid out before us? What follows are my thoroughly researched predictions for 2006. Read ’em and weep.

“Intelligent Design” will become the cornerstone of science curricula across the country. Students will also be required to learn Chinese and Korean, so that when those countries figure out how to use stem cells to cure every disease known to man we can be their bitches and beg for them to save our lives.

The United States Supreme Court will overturn Roe vs. Wade. Republicans in the House and Senate will immediately push for a new round of tax cuts for the wealthy, so they can afford the child support for their illegitimate children.

A cup of coffee will officially become known as a “Starbucks.” In turn, local coffee shops across the nation will be forced to change their “small” to “tall” despite the fact that it makes no fucking sense whatsoever.

Super Wal-Marts will include built-in churches. Realizing that the only people better at selling bullshit to poor Americans are generic Christian churches, Wal-Mart begins building Sam’s Club Churches of Christ right next to the Tire department in every new super Wal-Mart, undercutting local churches by only having five commandments.

Soymilk will give me bitch tits. My attemps to get emo-thin by going vegan will backfire when all the estrogen from my soy-rich diet causes me to grow some B-cup boobies. On the bright side, my long lonely nights will not seem quite so lonely with my two new friends.

Looking to bolster his image, President Bush will team up with Mel Gibson to star in Passion of the Christ 2: The Second Coming. Broadcast exclusively on Fox News, Passion 2 stars the President as a loose cannon messiah, kicking ass and taking names. An action packed romp in the spirit of Lethal Weapon, Passion 2 was filmed entirely in the rare English dialect of Bushisms. Fundamentalism for the whole family!

A college student somewhere in America will figure out that money is only worth anything because people all agree to adhere to the same arbitrary system. He will totally trip out on this for like five minutes before taking another bong hit.

I will convert to Christianity. As the saying goes… If you can’t beat ‘em, join ’em. Plus American Fundamentalist Christianity is like the University of Phoenix of hardline religions: pay a few dollars, show up on a few Sundays and you can get the same piece of Salvation as all those people working their asses off to be pious. Besides, Christian emos wreck all kinds of hot gash these days.

We will all die from the Bird Flu and our Myspace profiles shall be our eternal epitaphs. In 1000 years, extraterrestrial visitors will still be able to ascertain exactly how “gr8 it was 2 C U last night!” but will have difficulty figuring out what the fuck “< 3” means.

Don’t Sweat the Technique…daniel at synthesis.net

Celebrate the Defeato-crats (and terrorists) victory by doing all those typical liberal things, like burning a flag, hating America, having gay sex and laughing at the president. It’s been a long, long time since liberals have had anything to laugh about without a tinge of bitter sweetness, but now you can laugh loud and with an air of superiority since the Democrats managed to–holy shit!–win an election. The Purple Onion (140 Columbus, San Francisco) presents Laughing Liberally, an evening of politically themed comedy from Johnny Steele, Aundre the Wonderwoman, Joe Klocek, Christine Gelat, all hosted by Nato Green. $10 at the door.