Your Bullshit Article is the Epitome of Crap
Back in 2001, I wrote a review of Garbage’s album, Beautiful, for Chico’s Synthesis. Basically I said it was horrble, and a couple years later some woman found it on the Interweb and sent an e-mail to the Synthesis in which she wrote that my “bullshit article is the epitome of crap.” I love that e-mail and have printed it below, along with the original review.
Today I have finally read something that I find deserving of that phrase: the cover story of the SF Weekly called “Steroids Confidential“. SF Weekly, your bullshit article is the epitome of crap.
These “authors,” whose names are anagrams for “Fiction” and “Satire” supposedly interview Barry Bonds’s trainer Greg Anderson’s cell mate, who says Anderson gave him the dirt on Bonds, including that he would file down Bonds’ back zits with an emery board, that Bonds drinks elk semen, that Bonds shot his penis full of HGH because he was worried about testicle shrinkage from steroid use.
Now, maybe if this was April Fool’s Day, I could see why they would run this as the cover story, but the SF Weekly is supposed to be a news weekly that reports on serious local news. Instead they waste their cover story on some made-up bullshit, that really isn’t even funny, and nowhere do they say that this article is not true, except in the anagrammed names.
Here’s the cover text: Greg Anderson has given up his freedom rather than testify about Barry Bonds. But one man has learned the deepest secrets of the trainer behind baseball’s new home run king.
What the fuck? Seriously, how do they decide to run a completely fabricated article and pass it off as true? Good hoax, douchebags.
Anyway, back to me.
Garbage
Beautiful
Interscope Records Dec ‘01
Every now and then an album comes along that is so fantastically awful it is almost impossible to believe that a record company agreed to fuel its shit-smelling fire with millions of dollars in recording, production and marketing. Beautiful is just such an album. Containing possibly the worst single of the young century, “Androgyny,” the album meanders through 53 minutes of utter terribleness. It contains such lyrical gems as: boys in the girls room / girls in the men’s room / you free your mind in your androgyny. It sounds like a Ginger Spice solo album gone horribly wrong. It wanders through hip-hop (”Shut Your Mouth”), retro-’50s syrupy pop (”Can’t Cry These Tears”), roadhouse blues (”Silence is Golden”) and God the fuck knows what (”Cherry Lips (Go Baby Go!)). I have officially fallen out of love with Shirley Manson - and Butch Vig. Every song is absolutely shocking
.-
Sent: Monday, July 07, 2003 4:54 PM
To: @synthesis.net
Subject: Regarding Brian
Hello. I was just reading the album review of Garbage’s latest record, ‘BeautifulGarbage,’ and i realized that writer really has a way with words. Hiscreative anecdotes are what I am attempting to bring to attention. He obviously can write reviews, but his bullshit article is the epitome of crap, and i hope he realized that he can neither understand good music,nor comprehend pure genius, even if it crawled directly in front of his, and punched him in the face. Beautiful Garbage not only has creative aspects,but was the first album that allowed Shirley Manson to fully open herself upand let the despairing anthem of her hardships pour into the ears of theworld. She deserves to be praised, not insulted with a mess of ill-begotten words flung from the mouth of a man who couldn’t even match up to Garbage if he tried. I hope his insolence is one day cured, or that he falls into a giant hole, and never is heard by mankind again.
My Response:
Joyce,Thank you for the delightful e-mail. It really has made my day. In fact, I have forwarded it to a number of friends and associates and it is really making their day too. I’m sorry that we don’t see eye to eye on the merits of Garbage’s album Beautiful. I would hope that you appreciate the fact that I didn’t go for the obvious pun in my review. I can understand a difference of opinion, but come on now, genius? I mean Einstein was a genius, Leonardo da Vinci was a genius, Miles Davis was a genius, Stephen Hawking is a genius. Shirley Manson is a talented frontwoman in a decent pop band, but unless she cures cancer or creates an album that will go down as one of the greatest in history let’s refrain from hyperbole. I don’t that she would consider herself a genius. Also, for future reference, the words were not “flung from” my “mouth” as it was a written review. Out of curiosity, what kind of a hole is it that you would like me to fall into? Are you wishing death upon me, or just a hole that is far enough down where I might break some bones, but survive. Or is it like the hole in the rain forest in South America like in that movie Arachnophobia? Could I use a parachute? I think I do understand good music and apparently so do the people who pay me money to write about it, but perhaps we’re all mistaken. How would I go about trying to match up to Garbage, would that be in some sort of arm wrestling competition, or perhaps a potato sack race? Also, I love this: “his bullshit article is the epitome of crap.” Now that is pure genius, and it didn’t even have to “punch me in the face” for me to recognize it. Please keep in touch.
Hope you have a great day,
Brian
