Hater Tuesday By Lydia Popovich
You so fucking missed me. I know you did. Enjoy the hate fuckers.
Moving: Moving fucking sucks. No way around it. I don’t care if you hire movers or haul all your shit yourself, it still sucks. It sucks most when you live with other fools who are moving too. Shit gets all unorganized and everything is in various states of packed. For example, you can leave the house one morning and you have shit like spoons and forks. You peace out to work, then you come home later and all that is left in the drawer are those butter knives that are all fucked up from that one time you did hot knife hits of hash after watching too many episodes of Trailer Park Boys. It’s late, you’re starving, standing in the kitchen with that leftover container of chow mein and no fucking fork to use. So, you end up using a big ass mixing spoon and the shit goes all bad…noodles all on the floor and your brand new Chucks. You stand there staring at the chow mein thinking, “Fuck I really want to eat this” so you go all Ethiopian on that bitch. Then some one comes home and finds you two fingers deep into a tub of chow mein just in time to remind you that there are some plastic forks left in the pantry from that BBQ that one time, and you feel like an asshole.
People Who Are Surprised By Steve Irwin’s Death: Um, he fucking wrestled and man-handled alligators for a living! He picked up snakes on the daily like they were wayward dirty socks that fell out the laundry bin. It was only a matter of time before dude got chomped. Sure, a stingray is a sorta obscure animal to get merked by, but that’s what he gets for being a show-boaty asshole underwater. Fuck with the bulls and you get the horns.
E-Coli in My Spinach: Where has all the spinach gone? Why did it have to be the spinach? Why couldn’t it have been the iceberg lettuce or the frisee? Why not endive or some other obscure or otherwise not delicious leafy green? This whole e-coli in the spinach business is really fucking up my couch. I eat A LOT of spinach. I love spinach salads and spinach on sammiches. It’s far superior to bitch-made iceberg lettuce—that is some useless ass shit. No taste, no nutritional value. I’m like Popeye, with no spinach, I’m losing my edge. Why can’t growers just fucking get a toilet for the Mexicans to shit in? Why everyone got to be cheap and lazy? One toilet could have saved us all from a few months without spinach.
Player Of The Week: Tara Reid/Us Weekly Collabo God Bless Us Weekly for providing Tara Reid with a platform to speak out about her “plastic surgery nightmare.” I mean, I’ve been wondering if she did have plastic surgery or if her tit just morphed into Igor overnight. Finally, I know: It was a bad tit job. The article doesn’t dive too deep into the “nightmare,” but then again, they were talking to Tara. When a girl leads off a story with a quote like, “I never thought I would have nipples that looked like this,” you sort of have to shut your trap and let it the story unfold, right? Us Weekly definitely let her tell her story. I found out that she suffered from depression and self-hate that drove her to booze, and that she had a bad surgeon. Relentless bad press like pictures of her Franken-tit, or of her double-fisting in a bikini, or flat on her ass, shit-housed on the sidewalk outside nightclubs, became too much to handle. She’s tired of not being taken seriously. I mean she’s made “like over 20 movies.” Tara wants you to know she’s had reconstructive surgery and is picking up the pieces of her life.
I applaud Tara for opening up to Us Weekly. I wish Tara and her new nipples the best. I’m rooting for them both (the nipples and Tara), and I highly suggest that you pick up the magazine if only for some surrounding context on the following quotes:
On her reconstructive surgery: “[My new surgeon] measured where the bumps were wrong. So say you were on a bumpy road in real life, he repaved it… He’s a healer.” On being healthy in Hollywood: “You gotta fix yourself. And I think the way to fix yourself is by looking better.”
On being intimate: “I mean, you definitely need to turn off the lights, that’s for sure.”
Guys she dated on her tits (really, I didn’t make this one up): “What’s wrong with them? They look really bad. You know you should really get them fixed.”
On therapy: “Because there are certain things you don’t want to talk to your mom or brother about—like having sex or your breasts.”
On family: “My mom would make us white Wonder Bread with Nutella, serve it with Doritos and that was lunch.”
On her tit job being a popular topic: “You would literally think that they shot the president. I’m like, they’re just boobs!”
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Write to lydia [at] hatertuesday.com.
